Parody: Sanford won't resign

Governor Mark Sanford made clear again today that he will not step down as Governor of South Carolina, rejecting Lt. Governor Andre Bauer’s offer to serve out the rest of the Sanford term and not seek the office in his own right.

Sanford remarked, “While for my soul mate and four little boys, I would love to leave this job, there are, uh uh uh, some factors at play. First of all, some uh, very uh, important, uh, folks don’t want me to quit, and I have to uh, respect their wishes.”

Sanford went on to say, “Those, uh, folks like Nikki Haley. I like her too. Nikki is an exotic and beautiful woman who, uh, embraces, uh, my agenda. It would be, uh, sort of unfair to her and the folks who backed me and now back her for me to uh, resign. Nikki is uh, like my political soul mate, and I just can’t, uh, resign on her now.”

The Governor’s response led to several comments from various members of the South Carolina political scene. Attorney General Henry McMaster pledged he would “do all in his power” to make sure the Governor and Nikki Haley had not used Craig’s List. Congressman Gresham Barrett simply stated, “Look ya’ll, I ain’t had nothing to do with any of this crap.”

First Lady Jenny Sanford was very clear in her remarks. She stated, “Look, I don’t know who this Bauer fellow thinks he is, but if anyone is entitled to be Governor if my sorry husband resigns, it is me. Get that? I am the one wronged here, and I should get the job, not some guy that looks like Jeff Gordan. I will not be ignored.”

Senate President Pro Tempore Glen McConnell simply stated, “Look I don’t want to be Lt. Governor. I wonder if Harvey would take the job.”

House Speaker Bobby Harrell had no comment, as he and his staff were huddling with consultants and House members to determine what was best to do.

Democrats were not so unsure. “Keep Sanford,” former state Democratic Chairman and Dwight Drake supporter Dick Hartpootlian stated.

“With President Obama’s numbers going down, Thank God for Mark Sanford,” stated another Democratic operative.

Of course lost in this political saga was the personal discomfort of Maria Sanchez, a Honduran woman who flew into Columbia to visit family recently. As Ms. Sanchez came through the airport, she was met by harassing bloggers, who asked where she was staying and if she intended to see the Governor. Ms. Sanchez, an attractive woman by all accounts, did not understand the questions and rushed away to a taxi. The result was several bloggers posting that Mark Sanford’s lover had came to Columbia. Upon reading the blog posts, Maria Sanchez’s brother, Paco, a former middleweight boxing champion, issued a hard hitting statement that in sum said his sister was not desperate enough to have an affair with a middle aged gringo Governor. Paco’s challenge to fight those who questioned his sister’s honor went unanswered, though several members of the General Assembly, after seeing photos of Maria, offered their personal aide and comfort to the Honduran visitor.

Paco did his part, comforting the Lt. Governor, telling him, “Andre, you did all you could.”

Democrats Dwight Drake and Vincent Sheheen were reportedly in negotiations with the country duo Brooks and Dunn to use their hit "My Maria" on their campaign stops.