9) I toured the Kennedy Space Center last year. On the tour, I got hands on experience on how to fly the space shuttle. I should be one of the last astronauts to fly it. Yeah, that’s the ticket.
8) I watched Law and Order. That gives me real world prosecutorial experience. Ask Biff and Buffy at the club. They know that my watching of Law and Order is real law enforcement training. As Attorney General, I will ask myself “what would Jack McCoy do?” Take that, Bolchoz.
7) As Attorney General I will write a pointed letter to the President of Mexico demanding that he cease and desist from sending us illegal workers from his country. When he sees who the letter is from, he’ll stop it. If I have to, I will throw in some hair care products and tips.
6) Fat people…eewhhh…they are almost as bad as the trailer trash that smoke discount cigarettes and drink domestic beer. No one at the club has a hard time paying for healthcare. I don’t understand what those people are whining about. Don’t they know Asian gangs are out to get them?
5) Not only did I bring Boeing to South Carolina, I built the Ravenel Bridge and I’ll lock up all those bad drivers in the Low Country. And, by the way, I am not named after Tom Hanks’s volleyball friend. Take that, Wilson.
4) When I become Attorney General, I will negotiate and run slick ads that keep you and your family safe from the nasty Asian gang down the street. What’s that? You say you don’t know of any Asian gangs in your neighborhood? Well, I am already getting the job done.
3) So what if Alan Wilson went to war in Iraq? I went to war everyday in school. Those pranks were Hell. I dealt with wedgies, Mr. Wilson. Don’t lecture me about bullets and terrorists, I faced Skeeter and Kip.
2) I am a true Southerner. I grew up in Southern New England.
1) Woohoo! I just won the McBee left handed Republicans with special needs straw poll and got endorsed by the Donalds golf newsletter. That is why my opponents call me Lord. I rule.
Laugh people, it is meant to be funny.