In light of the indictment against former Major League Baseball player Roger Clemens, the United States Congress decided to act against its own members recently by demanding its own leadership to undergo tests for drugs and alcohol. It seemed like a good idea among rank and file members, but the leadership was a bit miffed.
“Zoloft is not a drug that should be tested for,” House Speaker Nancy Pelosi stated with defiance. “In this economy George W. Bush created, people have to have an anti depressant just to function. We cannot and we must not punish Democrats for medicating themselves in light of the Bush agenda.” When someone pointed out to the Speaker that Bush left office over a year and half ago, she remarked, “He did? So that explains that black guy keeps calling my office all the time. Still, I will not be tested.”
Senator Harry Reid, the Senate Majority Leader, was not as worked up about prescription drugs as the Speaker. Instead, Reid was worried about being tested for alcohol. “George W. Bush drove me to drink. Even worse, he drove the Vice President to drink. That clean, articulate African American that Joe works for drinks, too. It is all Bush’s fault. No, you cannot see what is on my computer. Yes the image looks like Sarah Palin, but it is because George W. Bush put it there and sent me bourbon. I am sure George Bush has an interest in the bourbon industry.”
“You still want to talk about that image on computer? " an angry Reid asked. “It is from that guy in South Carolina, go talk to him.”
Former House Ways and Means Chairman, Charlie Rangel, under investigation, was against any investigation. “Do I drink, you bet I do. Who doesn’t after George W. Bush? I fought for this country, served this country in Congress, and I do as I damn well please, and after Bush, a man like me is owed a drink by his country. You ask me about my drinking after you fight some North Koreans.”
House Budget Chairman and South Carolina Congressional member John Spratt muttered things that were not comprehensible. A spokesman for Spratt issued a statement that said the reason for the Congressman not being able to communicate was because of George W. Bush. “In 2000, before George W. Bush took office, the Congressman was able to answer any and all questions. But, due to the distress that Bush created, the Congressman has no comment.,” the spokesman said.
Down on the South Carolina coast, Congressional candidate Rob Miller was angry as usual, as his spokesman set his own hair on fire. “ Just look at what George W. Bush has done. He fathered Joe Wilson. He made Nancy Pelosi take pills, he drove Harry Reid to bourbon, he made a good man like Charlie drink in his old age, and now George W. Bush has made John Spratt an absentee candidate. George W. Bush is going to raise your taxes, take your health care away and make your mama starve. Don’t you stupid people see that? Joe Wilson is his clone. Joe Wilson wants your mama dead. You idiots get that? I was a damn Marine. Joe Wilson was not. He said you lie. Why can't you stupid people get that? I need something to hit. Arggggggg.”
There was no reports of candidate drug testing. Further, the former President, George W. Bush, is reported to be at his home in Texas, only leaving to attend an occasional sporting event or to greet troops returning home. When asked about all the Democrats blaming him for their current woes, the former President was candid. “I gave up drinking a long time ago. Drinking clouds your judgment and makes you misunderstimate your own situation.”
It is unknown if Roger Clemens and his legal team will blame George W. Bush.